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Submitted on
November 5, 2012
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Treason?
I dared dream to hold you,
to speak love to your perfect cherubim lips.
I desired to envelope you,
in our cover of night,
where love could blossom in dusk intimacy.
Where none could speak the names of treason we bore with shame.
and oh how I loved you,
for our three days,
and true love perished,
should our families feel the same.

Hope?
At first glance,
a young boy,
staring through a glass window,
at me.
A smile,
frosty gloved hands on the pane,
and accident waiting to happen.
So I followed,
down the rabbit hole,
to a winter wonderland,
full of new dangers,
and first romance.
I loved you still,
Youth,
in Toyland,
where love is innocent.

Loss?
We were children,
yet none loved as strong,
and I was your kingdom,
where you clasped, fair, radiant,
none could tarnish the silver of your smile.
Heaven's jealousy, could not but overcome it's envious joy,
taking you away,
in a small ship,
where I could not see you,
but we loved,
and that in itself was even more than the truest romance,
and now you leave your kingdom to me,
where I know one day,
I will look above,
beyond our kingdom by the sea,
and to see the face, of angelic grace,
in her kingdom, with the King.

Promise?
but love still.
As it looks beside,
reaching for companionship.
The familiar hand held through older years,
of lovers past, of stormy seas,
and romance,
nostalgic, and sweet, not like the lovers of tragedies
or the famous literature that graces beloved's eyes, eloquent baubles of wisdom pouring from still perfect lips,
but the sweetness, of first love, first romance, first endurance.

Ours.
From the first moment I saw you,
an accident that did happen,
and a girl that was ready to fall.
She did,
and it did not pain me.
It was as soft as the snow of your skin.
A little boy in the window,
with the namesake curls of a choir boy,
and a smile that says sincerity.
That turned into a romance,
where none could love as pure as we,
not in a kingdom by the sea,
but still the love of children.
One that bears no tragedy,
or ends the wars of nations,
but a love that is sweet,
and all I ask, if I may have thee.
Is a single promise,
Will you marry me?





Written for Round 1 of #poetry-book 's Scratch that contest. Our prompt was romantic free verse. Now, Over time there have been many famous lovers, whose loves have shook the bosom of readers, and girls who dream of Prince Charmings, and the fairytales, it's magic, or the closest thing we have to it, and that's why we love it so much. (Aquamarine) My muse was of course, as always, ~S2DPro he always seems to pop up like a proverbial little cheshire cat with that school boy grin of his... and yes, when I finished my poem and read it for the first time I cried, I don't know why, but there's something about when you can write, honestly, with the wisely chosen words of classical lovers, who's love has gone before you, in graceful eloquence, that it strikes every heart a poet.

On a "cheerier" note, on the dramatic and passionate innocence of Romance, who can name the two famous couples I referenced! Hint: Each comes from a romantic GENIUS! One is Edgar Allan Poe the other is Shakespeare :) 10 points if you can name the literature the two couples from from!
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:iconriarri:
I must say, this is a piece that reminds me of vintage times, when days were delicate and held in a more proper manner.

Of course, I mean this in a good way.

I'm a hopeless romantic, and this has definitely piqued my interest into what other literature pieces you are capable of (then again, I'm a literature geek, too).

I should stop rambling; onto your critique. I've seen many romance pieces, and many follow the beat you have here. Everyone expects a happy ending in romance pieces, which is why the 'Originality' section has is rated what it's rated.

You're technique is amazing; I daresay I may just be jealous. As for the impact, I loved how the entire poem flows as well as it does, like a timeline, just climbing to the strongest point of the piece.

Overall, this is a wonderful piece, and I do encourage you to continue to pursue literature. :D
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconyanaaa-chan:
I'll start off by saying ALL of these verses are wonderful, and since they are so extraordinary I have to nit-pick the tiny things out of each.

Treason -
+: I love how every sentence gets progressively longer. Two lines. Period. Three lines. Period. Four lines. Period.
+: The vocabulary you used was amazing.
+: Favorite line; "and true love perished,"
- : You began with some repetition, but didn't continue it. The first two sentences (Line 1 & 3) started with "I d____ed .... you" but the third sentence (Line 6) did not.
- : I couldn't connect the verse with the title.

Hope -
+: It gives me a colorful visual of the story of love starting out pure and white in the snow and traveling into many strange places in vivid colors. Then going back in time to recollect the times when love was still innocent.
- : The third and fourth line should be divided a little differently, as well as the sixth line should be two separate lines.
- : The connection between the "young boy" and the "love is innocent" may be lost for some people.
- : Line eight would do well to be a sentence in its own.

Loss -
+: At first I interpreted this verse as showing the struggles of a long distance relationship and the agony you feel, while still feeling so much love. After a few more reads and taking the title into consideration, I also see it as the ultimate "long distance relationship". Death. (I have to remember that line I just said it was awesome!) I believe people who are suffering from either thing can relate and love this verse.
- : The are some structuring problems that bugged me with it, other than that it is very well put together.

Promise -
+: There was an outstanding amount of high end vocabulary in this verse.
- : The structure is very off.
- : The first line is not an attention grabber
- : I don't feel the emotion like I did with the others

Ours -
+: This is a VERY touching one, possibly my favorite!
+: I can visualize it as an entire movie from little kids playing to adults getting married. It touches me so deeply.
+: Nice Poe reference btw ^3^
+: I love how it talks about not looking for that "storybook love" filled with tragedy and war and anything special. Just pure love.
+: The ending made me tear up! :'D
- : Line two, three, and four didn't impact me as much as the other lines


Side note: Hope & Ours are my favs! ^.^
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconoverdestiny:
overdestiny Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is so charming and wonderful. You should be directly blasted into the finals xd
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:icontinyfurrtails:
TinyFurrTails Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
well thank u :) and... owie!!! that sounds painful!
Reply
:iconoverdestiny:
overdestiny Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I mean that in a good way, u know.. I just have a weird sense of humor :D
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:icontinyfurrtails:
TinyFurrTails Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh fantastic!
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:iconstormcat16:
StormCat16 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Outstanding literature. Rich in romance and wise with words. Good work. :+fav:
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:icontinyfurrtails:
TinyFurrTails Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ohhh thank you ^.^ pleasant to hear that!
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:iconmordial33:
Mordial33 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll give the answer in a note! This poem is beautiful...instant fave, this poem features a line by the greatest writer of all time, Edgar Allen Poe, ...double instant fave!
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:icontinyfurrtails:
TinyFurrTails Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
another Poe lover!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!
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:iconmordial33:
Mordial33 Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yep! :iconhurrhurrplz:
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:iconbreatheangeliclove:
BreatheAngelicLove Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Student General Artist
this is beautiful i love it :)
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